Why The BBQ Pit Is Man's Territory

 Let's face it gentlemen, man has been playing with fire for over twenty thousand years. We like the power of fire. We like the potential that a fire represents; it can protect us from outside intruders while we're huddled in our caves; warm us on those harsh, sub-zero, blizzard nights; light our way through treacherous caverns; feed us the warm protein of cooked meat we need, when we're sick of eating the tubers the gatherers collected...and we like that it can destroy almost anything in its path! It's a readymade disaster, waiting for us to tame it.

Men like to destroy stuff, blow stuff up, figure out how stuff works...and if we're lucky, swear a lot and get really dirty in the process. Don't fight it or deny it...it's in the genetic code. So...knowing that about you, me and guys in general, it's only natural that we're attracted to something as mystifying and hypnotic as the barbecue grill.

But, what else does it represent, and why is strictly a man's domain?

It doesn't matter to me what you cook, what you cook it on or how many you want to cook for. You can call it a job, a chore, a challenge, an art, or a learned skill, but what you'll find is, however you view it now, once you get good at it, you think of it like dating, marriage, parenthood and even sex, if you want, and get a whole lot more satisfaction out of it!

Now, I'm not talking about lavishing new tools and diamond studded accessories on your grill, or getting crazy with sauces and trying to do bananas flambé on your grill...though that sounds like a cool challenge...I'm talking about your attitude toward grilling.

Something about providing… preparing, caring, tending and nurturing, whether it's for another person or cooking a good meal, strikes a visceral chord in us, akin to our flight or fight response.

Pride in man is overwhelming, because we want to be appreciated for what we do, what we can accomplish and what obstacles we can overcome. If you don't think that's a strong inner sense, let me know how you feel when you burn the dinner! Does it feel like abject defeat?  Maybe, dejection and self loathing? Pretty close, huh? That's why you take her out to eat when you're dating. If the meal's bad, it's not your fault.

Let me tell you how to take your barbecue experience one giant step in the right direction and make a lasting impression. Don't just be A Man and do what's expected of you, be The Man and do as much of the whole dinner as you’re able, yourself. There's nothing worse than going to a barbecue and watching some poor guy's wife slave over every detail, just to hear him get the credit for starting a fire and managing not to burn the meat beyond recognition.

If you're going to host a barbecue the right way, then you need to know:

• How many people are coming? 
• How much each person will reasonably eat? 
• What's the best fare you can provide on your budget? 
• Does anyone have any allergies or meat issues? 
• What cut or types of meat you will provide? 
• How should you prepare and season those meats? 
• How long before cooking time should that be done? 
• How long will each type of meat take to cook? 
• How much room will that take up on your grill? 
• What needs direct heat versus indirect heat? 
• What sides can you grill at the same time? 
• How can you get everything to hit the table at the same time?

(My personal opinion is that, the inability to figure out the answers to these questions, not taking the time and energy to learn things which, to us grill masters, is second nature, is part of the reason that most people don't host parties, of any kind any more. I can't tell you how many people I've invited for dinner parties and barbecues where the invitation isn't reciprocated in some way. Could be my company, I suppose, but they keep coming back to my house! Maybe my barbecue tastes so good, they'll put up with my company! Maybe they don't reciprocate because they feel they can't measure up. Or maybe, just maybe, they haven't figured out the answers to the questions I laid out, basic to any kind of entertaining and don't know how to do it!)

Once you have a grasp of these barbecue entertaining and hosting basics, you can figure out the best places to buy your meats, seasonings, rubs, seafood and produce to get the best quality for the best price and start worrying about what people will want to drink, have for appetizers and what you can listen to while entertaining...and no, that doesn't mean keeping the game on in the background and eating on the couch...unless it's a tailgate party, of course! (Part of your new education may involve listening to music that wasn't necessarily popular when you graduated High School!)

Now, when you've got all that figured out, when your wife, or special someone, asks you what you need them to do, you can go pour them a glass of that whatever-they-like and tell them to put the music on, put their feet up and relax for a while. You've got it all under control...because now, you're The Man. Don't that feel good...?

In my house, we believe in sitting at a table for a meal (unless there are too many of us, which'll happen at a barbecue) and having a conversation, and we have trained our kids to do the same. We also seem to have trained a lot of their friends; judging by the way they still like to come around at dinner time! As for background noise, that's what a stereo is for...not a television.

Need some other benefits to being The Man? I've never figured out the fight over division of labor in the house between a man and a woman. There is no way possible that it can ever come out fifty-fifty, and I don't care how you break it out! Mowing the lawn equals doing laundry equals doing dishes equals taking out the trash equals making the bed equals grocery shopping equals...and on and on, using some non-definable point system! As long as you're both participating and not complaining about it, and as long as you feel appreciated for doing it, life is good.

One of the rules in my house is "if you cook, you don't have to clean up". I'll cook before I clean, any day of the week! I take the time to shop for what I want to cook, about an hour before I want to cook it (yeah, takes about fifteen minutes...). I hate trying to remember to take stuff out of the freezer. What I know is, if I barbecue, not only is it going to taste great, I'm going get the ephedrine high of being the appreciated provider, my lovely didn't have to stress out after getting home late from her tech job, we get quality time with the kids…and there are hardly any pots and pans, so even the kids will do the dishes without complaining...much!

Don't panic...I know it seems like a lot to learn and do, changing attitudes and responsibilities…sharing…plus having a personality transplant and all, but believe me, once you've got this stuff down, there isn't anything you can't handle on the grill. Plus, it's a great reason not to let her wrestle the tongs out of your hands! That's like attacking your manhood!

Oh yeah, one more thing...some people take the "Hey, get your damn hands off my grill" thing a little too seriously and think that no man should ever let another man cook on his grill, like it's adulterous or something. Let me tell you: I've got family and friends, all over the country, and because people know I love to barbecue, especially for large groups, and they know I'm good at it, they want me to take care of it for them. I personally grill with charcoal, but that doesn't mean I can't work with propane. Variety is the spice of life!

New experiences create the opportunity to overcome new challenges, and with that come confidence and pride. I'm proud of my grill master status and it's a sign of acknowledgment when other people, even other grill master friends, ask me to wield the tongs for them and their group of family and friends. 

Feed them right and you'll have them eating out the palm of your hand...gladly!

How To Barbeque - The Basics

If you've been struggling with your barbecue grill for any length of time, you know, as does your family and probably the neighbors, that it takes more than just repetition  to get it right.  Just like any other form of cooking, you have to become familiar with the tools of the trade, learn some basics, experiment, make mistakes and move on. Whether you want to turn it into an art form or go on to be in barbecue competitions is up to you.  The purpose of this article is to familiarize you with the mechanics of a barbecue, the different methods of cooking, what works and what doesn’t and general guidelines for putting on a successful barbecue, that you can feel proud of.

The most important part of barbecuing is maintaining a consistent temperature in your apparatus.  It takes quite a bit of practice and experience to understand, not only how to build your fire, but also how your personal grill treats different meats.  Whether using the direct or indirect method, the other major components of the grill that will affect your timing are the fuel source, the grilling surface, the depth of the heat source and its ventilation.

Whether your grill's fuel source is charcoal driven or uses natural or propane gas, it operates pretty much the same way.  Think of it as a combination of your kitchen stove and your oven…only with less control over the heat.

Whatever kind of grill you have, charcoal or gas, there should be enough room on the cooking surface to have two distinct cooking areas.  Using the area directly over the heat source is referred to as the direct heat method. Think of it as your cook-top or broiler.  Using the area near the heat source but not over it is referred to as the indirect heat method.  Think of this like your oven, presuming that the lid is down to capture and retain the heat.

My personal preference is a charcoal heat source.  (At least, that’s until it’s declared a major pollutant by the health freaks in California who only eat raw carrots and oat bran.)  I guess it stems from many years ago when propane grills were convenient, but didn’t use porcelain briquettes like today, so it was like cooking over an open flame and the food always tasted slightly gas-tinged, instead of smoked.  

I think grill manufacturers do a much better job today, and in taste tests, almost nobody can tell the difference between charcoal and gas cooking anymore, so if I were starting over, I might choose the convenience of natural gas.

Yes, I said natural gas…not propane.  You can run a gas line to your BBQ and put a regulator on it, available at any good BBQ or hardware store.    There’s nothing convenient about running out of propane half way through your Thanksgiving turkey!

Why’s the cooking surface important?  You’ll know when you use it, but I prefer a cast iron surface.  It’s a thicker, solid surface, which distributes the heat more evenly and is easier to clean.

Why’s the depth important?  The ability to adjust the distance from heat to food gives you the most control over the heat source that you use.  Coals have a burning lifespan, usually about an hour, so if you’re still grilling as that span starts to lapse, you need to either add coals or move the heat source closer to the food.  Sometimes you need that if you’ve been more attentive to your guests and waited too long to put the meat on the grill…not that I’ve ever done that, of course!

Once you understand what the variables are with your cooking apparatus, like sheets on a sailboat, what they do, how they work and how they affect your outcome, you can learn to control the smoke-belching beast and the neighbors can finally take the Fire Department off of speed dial.

Quick note on tools:  If you use charcoal, particularly, you’ll want all of the following (Think birthdays, Christmas and Valentine's Day... You'll find a lot of this to the right under "Stuff You Might Need")

• gloves, if you value the skin on your knuckles, 
• a charcoal chimney starter
• several sets of tongs, long and medium, 
• a solid single piece scraper (a 4” wide solid tape knife works much better than the one on the back of the brush), 
• a long handled, heavy bristle brush for cleaning the grilling  surface, 
• some sort of timing device besides the clock in your head, 
• a couple of good knives, a long one for carving and a short one for things with bones in them, like ribs
• a meat thermometer
• a cutting board with a blood groove, to catch the drippings.

Now that we've gone over the mechanics of the process and what tools you'll need, look for my next article How To Barbecue - Managing the Heat.